Oscars LIVE BLOG

Hey all, so I decided to legitimately liveblog the Oscars tonight. Even though the only people who really ever look at this blog will be in the room with me, I feel like documenting my reactions. Follow the jump for more!




6:17 pm. Seacrest is talking Mariah Carey and her kept man, er, I mean husband. I found out today that apparently Helen Mirren was supposed to play her role in Precious. I think that is the only moment in HISTORY that Helen Mirren and Mariah Carey are somehow interchangeable.

Also...good God...put the boobs away, honey.

Part of what draws me to the E! coverage above others is because of what bumbling fools Seacrest and that blonde lady are. They also offer the most/least awkward red carpet interviews ever.

6:20 MICKEY ROONEY?! I'm adding a feature to this liveblog: Mickey Rooney alerts! I must document them all. Seacrest just randomly was like, "Hey Mickey Rooney! How you doing!" and then went to commercial. Perfection.

6:25 Zoe Saldana and the mayor of LA? Seacrest is confessing his awkward love for the Na'vi. It's okay, Ryan, we've all felt it. Saldana looking pretty fierce, a little too glitter-fabulous for me. I really want someone to give this girl a lozenge. Okay now he's just kind of hitting on her.

First people on my "WHY ARE YOU HERE?" list: Joel Madden and Nicole Richie. Apparently, Joel Madden is dj-ing? I want to be a part of the group acid-trip where these things are decided.

6:29 Vera Farmiga lookin' fierce. Represent! Upstate New York! Her dress is a tad Little Mermaid but she's such a throwback to 40s Hollywood. AND she just said she's rooting for K-Bigs and Hurt Locker. Farmiga officially receives a Royal Award...it's a thing.

WHAT? NEW GAGA VIDEO AFTER THE OSCARS? AAAHH!

Oh no, I feel like this really messed up "Cervical Cancer perfume" ad is going to be the running ad of the Oscars. I can't even describe it. It's just offensive and uncomfortable to look at.

6:36 Sightings of Tina Fey and Sigourney Weaver. Damnit. Jason Reitman just referenced Man vs. Food...this makes me so conflicted because I want to hate him so much. Sarsgaard and Maggie Gyllenhaal looking snobby and awesome.

6:37 THE ARRIVAL OF LUCIFER. God not even 2 seconds into this and he's referencing his own movie. He looks like Baz Luhrmann and a Seagull had a baby. Also, his wife, unfortunately, looks like a mummy.

6:41 wait a minute...are Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard avoiding revealing that they had a nooner? Oh dear...

Elizabeth Banks! I love this woman and her dress is gorge! She's so hilarious and seems so down to Earth. AND she hosted the Sci-Tech Oscars, previous hosts have pretty much included all actresses I love, including her long-lost twin sister, Rachel McAdams.

6:48 Sigourney Weaver. My god, it's like someone's holding a gun to their head if they don't say nice things about Jim Cameron.

OH MY GOD. Tina Fey and Christoph Waltz are in the same frame. I really hope this turns into one of those "two famous people standing near each other let's interview them both" interviews. Waltz looks unhappy and really serious, but he's probably just concocting an epic romantic poem in his head.

Uh oh, yet another cervical cancer ad followed by a vodka ad. I really don't understand what message this is trying to send.

YES. In a random fashion interlude, the arrows they are drawing to emphasize the nice parts of the dresses are inexplicably coming out right on top of people's crotchal areas. Horray Akward!Oscars.

I think this blonde lady is genuinely trying to sleep with Sandra Bullock.

6:58 DIANE KRUGER. BEAUTIOUS. This woman is such an HBIC. Ugh, I love her.

Why does everyone keep saying Sandy Bullock? This is terrible.

As much as I'm annoyed that she's going to win this award, she is a very likable person. Can't deny that, but I just feel like there has to be something else in her career that will eventually be more deserving than this movie. Whatever. I've made as much peace with it as I can.

Uh-oh. For the next few minutes, this is renamed "Tyler Perry's Academy Awards".

7:03 MICKEY ROONEY ALERT!

Amanda Seyfried, looking great. Seacrest, an Avatar reference to describe Seyfried's dress, really?

Yep. 99% sure Tim McGraw is drunk. Why not, it's not like he'll ever be here again.

I saw Penelope Cruz a moment ago, looking absolutely stunning (obvy). I'd better get a good interview with her. Oh my gawd Rachel McAdams looks GORGE.OUS. Can't wait to see her present.

7:12 Not to sound like my mother, but STAND UP STRAIGHT MILEY CYRUS. God the whole Cyrus family, they're like the real life Beverly Hillbillies.

BIGELOW HAS ARRIVED. LOOKING LIKE A WINNER.

Helen Mirren sighting. She is certainly the resident GILF of Hollywood.

Clooney needs a haircut.

7:16 BIGELOW INTERVIEW. God this woman is a giant on all levels. HOW IS THIS WOMAN 58 YEARS OLD? I just worship her. God, you can just feel her cringe when she is asked for the millionth time what it will feel like if she beats Jim Cameron. I hate that this is overshadowing the fact that if she wins, SHE WILL BE THE FIRST WOMAN TO DO SO.

7:28 Colin Firth. Yum.

Wait wait wait, is George Clooney's girlfriend actually age appropriate? This is like seeing a yeti. Also...I think he's drunk.

7:31 STREEEEEEEEEEEEP! Looking divine as always. Also probably drunk. She is getting really close to Ryan Seacrest. Streep is pulling for "all the young gals" Is there literally anything not to love about this woman?

7:40 Gabby Sidibe. She is making the most of her red carpet moment.

Next on my list of WHY ARE YOU HERE?: James Taylor????

Robert Downey Jr. looking incredibly dapper if slightly ridiculous, but it's awesome. I like that his wife is his manager yet he doesn't seem that whipped.

7:55 t-minus 5 minutes. We have switched over to ABC only to discover Barbara Walters in what appears to be the set of the Total Eclipse of the Heart video.

8:02 Dream team: Supporting Actress nominees group interview.

8:06 Zac Efron. WHY ARE YOU HERE.

8:10 Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer. Too much class for me to handle.

Watching the ABC coverage is a little boring cuz they're just interviewing the people we've already seen on E! Now we're just taking bets on what will take longer: Mo'Nique's acceptance speech or whatever award Kristen Stewart is presenting.

Whoopie Goldberg in an ad for adult diapers. I feel like the evening has already reached its peak.

8:20 Tina Fey and Steve Carrell! Dream. Team. Of life. Tina Fey is looking great but she's looked better.

Kate Winslet is sooooo gorgeous. Damn. Sam Worthington kind of looks like he just woke up.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?: Mariska Hargitay???

Meryl Streep is wearing an original Chris March. She is also the most perfect human.

And with that, we end the Red Carpet coverage and move on to the show itself.

ITS GAME TIME PEOPLE. GAME. TIME.

8:30 Okay this is strange. All the actors nominated are out on the stage. I'm waiting for someone to look at the camera, wink, and do handguns.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?: Neil Patrick Harris.

I'm in the 1940s. I'm uncomfortable.

Here we go. Martin & Baldwin. Perfection. I like that Steve Martin is wearing his old man glasses, it makes him even more awesome.

Meryl Streep jokes. Amazing. This is gonna be a good show.

Tina Fey had to have written some of this. These jokes wreak of Fey-isms. Another give away is that all of these jokes resolve on Meryl Streep.

Joke about Meryl Streep and Hitler memorabilia.

JOKE ABOUT THE JERK. MY BRAIN IS JUST EXPLODING.

"In Inglourious Basterds, Christoph Waltz played a Nazi obsessed with finding Jews. Well, Christoph...(gestures to the entire audience, close up of Joel Coen)"

Alec Baldwin is digressing into a British accent. This is already the greatest thing ever. I genuinely...I can't even.

Here we go. Suppoerting actor presented by Penelope Cruz.
Jesus this montage is taking way too long.

WINNER = Christoph Waltz.

Just referred to getting an award from Penelope Cruz as "an uber bingo." I want to marry this man.

Diaz and Carrell giving out the award for Animated Movie. Hilarious montage. Love it.

WINNER = Up

No surprise here. It is nice to see Pete Doctor again though and his perfectly rectangular head.

UGH. MILEY CYRUS. YOU SOUND LIKE A SMOKER ON HELIUM.
Original Song.

WINNER = The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart

Tina Fey and Downey Jr. is the perfect kind of awkward. Original Screenplay, wow, this is really early for this.

WINNER: The Hurt Locker <----- WHOA. WHOA WHOA WHOA. GAME. CHANGER.

BRAT PACK REUNION. EPIC.

Wow, they've actually found a way to make the short film categories seem remotely interesting. Having Mulligan and Saldana present was a good call.

Animated Short
WINNER = Logorama

Documentary Short
WINNER = Music by Prudence

Oh shit is this dude getting Kanye'd?

Live Action Short
WINNER = The New Tenants

Ben Stiller dressed as a Na'vi. I can't believe I didn't see this coming. "It was either this or the Nazi uniform, but the show seemed a little Hitler heavy." Good God this is just getting more and more uncomfortable to watch.

Make-Up
WINNER = Star Trek

Gyllenhaal and McAdams giving out Adapted Screenplay. perf.

WINNER = Precious <---- ANOTHER MINDFUCK. HOLY SHEEEEET.

Robin Williams presenting Supporting Actress. Fabulous montage. Fabulous actresses.

WINNER = Mo'Nique

Prepare for 20 minute acceptance full of plenty of "Praise God"s, "Lee Danieelllsss"s and "Gabby, I am in awe of you"s.

COLIN FIRTH PRESENTING AN EDUCATION. This is my British film dream. God I loved this movie.

Sigournish with Art Direction.

WINNER = Avatar

Costume design with Sarah Jessica Parker and Tom Ford. Tom Ford looks kind of like a bad Keanu Reeves impression.

WINNER = The Young Victoria

Damn. This woman doesn't even give a shit. "I've already got two of these." Honey, you's a bitch.

Baldwin/Martin Paranormal Activity Spoof. Perfection.

Sound Editing/Mixing
WINNER = THE HURT LOCKER

All these Hurt Locker wins are boding really well

Cinematography presented by Sandra Bullock
WINNER = Avatar

So, just to keep us up to speed, some big surprises, some obvious winners. BOTH Screenplay awards really came out of nowhere for me.

Oh God, Memorium montage presented by Demi Moore. Here come the water works. SHIT AND JAMES TAYLOR IS SINGING IN MY LIFE. GOD DAMN.

Oh no...they forgot Farah Fawcett...that's....oh god that's awful.

This is strange. It's like West Side Story featuring America's Best Ninja Dance Crew. You know what, I dug it.

Original Score
WINNER = Michael Giacchino, Up

Visual Effects, if this is not as laughably predictable as I think it is, I will sell my brain to someone.
WINNER = Avatar (thank God, I wanted to keep my brain)

I'm really nervous they're going to give out Best Director too early. Like right now. I really hope this isn't Best Director. Oh thank God, it's just Best Documentary.

WINNER = The Cove

Oh Tyler Perry. How I loathe thee. Just give the damn award. But it was worth it for the shot of Baldwin and Martin in Snuggies.

Best Editing
WINNER = The Hurt Locker

I am so excited by how much Hurt Locker is dominating. This is so my Slumdog Millionaire this year.

AAAHHH! PEDRO ALMODOVAR! YYAAAYYY! Almodovar and Tarantino presenting Foreign Film. SO GREAT.

WINNER = The Secret in Their Eyes (Argentina) WHOA. SHOCKER. Totally thought White Ribbon was a shoo-in. Whatever, Pedro and Broken Embraces still win in my heart.

Oh here we go. Getting down to the wire here. Wait, what? There's like 5 people onstage right now. Including Michelle Pfeifer. I'm so confused. This is like a weird hybrid of what they did last year with what they do every other year. At any rate, this is Best Actor.

Good God. Kate Winslet looks just absolutely stunning. Like, better than she did when she won.

WINNER = Jeff Bridges. I love this man. He's just having a good time up there.

Okay. Three Awards to go. My hyperventilation over Best Director begins now.

Helen Mirren is so elegant. Legit this woman is an HBIC. Peter Sarsgaard. I love you. And I love Carey Mulligan. She wins in my heart. STREEP. FLAW.LESS.

Best Actress
WINNER = Sandra Bullock (at least she herself questions whether or not she deserves it)

Whatever it's fine. This speech is actually really beautiful.

BEST DIRECTOR FROM BARBARA. HERE WE GO

WINNER = BIGELOW. It took me a minute to write this out due entirely to me bursting into tears.

BEST PICTURE = THE HURT LOCKER. Bigelow looks like she's gonna pass out. I am also about to pass out.

LIFE IS AMAZING RIGHT NOW.